"You live in your secret life, just as you always have." oh yes. oddly, no one else can see the eleven-year-old in you (except, in my case, my older sister, 85).
I have a lot of experience, at the age of 54, with the dread of waiting for the results for medical tests. 90% of the tests I have waited for, including a recent sonogram I'm still waiting on, haven't carried anywhere near the potential implications of what you were waiting for in this essay. I'm glad everything came back normal, but I could identify to some degree with what sounded like the dread (?) you experienced. I almost envy Richard, whom I believe said that he doesn't worry about anything going on in his body.
Also: "embarrassment and shame aren’t as big a deal as they once seemed to be." Please tell me this begins soon! I am still reeling with shame over a very badly-done attempt to say "hello, you were awesome!" to someone I greatly admire on Thursday after an appearance. (She was utterly gracious, I was completely at fault).
Can't wait for the next zoom! And I'm working on that thing.
Yes, you’re right. I stopped worrying about how I look in group photos because no one ever notices anyone but him or herself in a photo. It was a liberation.
Your writing voice does not suggest someone with a clown-like smile! Wonder if others would have said that of you even in high school. Today is my third day of being a subscriber - already looking forward to the next installment. And look forward to watching Presumed Innocent.
i so appreciate your "smile" story. all my life i have been complimented on my smile and i swear it is a genetic malfunction that i "can't not smile." quite inconvenient when i worked as a hospice chaplain. i would literally have to tell myself to "turn the sides of my mouth down and put my lips together. furrow brows," so as not to appear disconnected from the situation. ah life....and mammograms.
So many aspects of this essay have given me pause for thought...how I think about medical tests...how I think about school mates dying at a young age and also now at 72--both tragically. I love things written so well they help me think more clearly. Thank you.
well i love this and you do not have a clown smile at all, to me that smile is happiness and "welcome, who are you?" (even if that may not be how you feel) but i must say i stopped in my tracks at "harrison ford is not sexy." WHU..??? you meant not in that particular movie, right? right?? i don't recall him in that movie actually tho i believe i once saw it. and for years, i never got his sex appeal, not thru all the star wars (i was too young and he seemed too "manly" tho yes, in retrospect, you see his comic chops there) but OMG when i saw him in "witness" that was it. i was done. even now, i would do him in a heartbeat. omg. okay, love you, bye. xx
Beautiful essay in so many ways. I loved every sentence.
I’m pleased you pointed to reading at the level of the sentence. I write at the level of the sentence, as I’m sure you see.
Agree. Wonderful, Laurie.
Thanks! xxL
"You live in your secret life, just as you always have." oh yes. oddly, no one else can see the eleven-year-old in you (except, in my case, my older sister, 85).
I have a lot of experience, at the age of 54, with the dread of waiting for the results for medical tests. 90% of the tests I have waited for, including a recent sonogram I'm still waiting on, haven't carried anywhere near the potential implications of what you were waiting for in this essay. I'm glad everything came back normal, but I could identify to some degree with what sounded like the dread (?) you experienced. I almost envy Richard, whom I believe said that he doesn't worry about anything going on in his body.
Also: "embarrassment and shame aren’t as big a deal as they once seemed to be." Please tell me this begins soon! I am still reeling with shame over a very badly-done attempt to say "hello, you were awesome!" to someone I greatly admire on Thursday after an appearance. (She was utterly gracious, I was completely at fault).
Can't wait for the next zoom! And I'm working on that thing.
Most people are only thinking about themselves, not you--that's one way to see the world as less embarrassing, because no one noticed.
Yes, you’re right. I stopped worrying about how I look in group photos because no one ever notices anyone but him or herself in a photo. It was a liberation.
Your writing voice does not suggest someone with a clown-like smile! Wonder if others would have said that of you even in high school. Today is my third day of being a subscriber - already looking forward to the next installment. And look forward to watching Presumed Innocent.
I'm very smiley, and I know what you mean. Thanks! xxL
"I looked at each girl as if I could figure out the kind of girl I was."
Doesn't this line just sum up our lives from puberty to sometime after high school that is different for all of us.
I suppose it does! Thanks.
i so appreciate your "smile" story. all my life i have been complimented on my smile and i swear it is a genetic malfunction that i "can't not smile." quite inconvenient when i worked as a hospice chaplain. i would literally have to tell myself to "turn the sides of my mouth down and put my lips together. furrow brows," so as not to appear disconnected from the situation. ah life....and mammograms.
enjoyed as always. thank you.
I laughed at the thought of you having to sad face yourself as a hospice chaplain! I know you meant it to be funny. And . . .
I also have a rather morose sense of humor and had to stifle poorly timed laughs. Oops.
So many aspects of this essay have given me pause for thought...how I think about medical tests...how I think about school mates dying at a young age and also now at 72--both tragically. I love things written so well they help me think more clearly. Thank you.
Lovely comment! Thanks!
well i love this and you do not have a clown smile at all, to me that smile is happiness and "welcome, who are you?" (even if that may not be how you feel) but i must say i stopped in my tracks at "harrison ford is not sexy." WHU..??? you meant not in that particular movie, right? right?? i don't recall him in that movie actually tho i believe i once saw it. and for years, i never got his sex appeal, not thru all the star wars (i was too young and he seemed too "manly" tho yes, in retrospect, you see his comic chops there) but OMG when i saw him in "witness" that was it. i was done. even now, i would do him in a heartbeat. omg. okay, love you, bye. xx
You can have my turn at fucking him. xxL
omg i am ☠️😭
I enjoyed this. I will consider your suggestions!
What suggestions? xxL