I'm so happy I suggested you start your Substack. I've loved reading you every day that you post a column. It's kind of magical that at our age, Substack has allowed us to get back in the game. I love it.
Thanks, love, yes, it's so exciting to have this interaction with readers that I haven't had this way before. I love your work as well and what you contribute to the public conversation. I would never have done this without your help. xxL
Thanks for the microscope! I am the daughter of the father who wanted a son, the mother whose life I ruined by being born, the wife of the man who committed suicide and the second man who stole my money and my best friend, and kidnapped my daughter. I'm just now, at 85, digging to find the person who I am - and it's not too fucking late!
Laurie, I love that you talk about women being sidelined. It's such a shock to the system, isn't it? I'm finding that as I get older, I screen men like that out more quickly than I used to.
This is not an activity of betrayal. It's an activity of unconscious inobservance. It's called living in a social condition in which men are organized as central to people's interests. Although they are not.
this really resonated and stirred a memory: a few years ago, at a residency, i gave a reading with a fellow resident (also a woman) sponsored by the NEA, and you know that feeling when you've absolutely nailed it?—well, we did. afterward, a small group of us went to dinner, including two male writers. everyone praised us except them. not even one word of "good job" just for politeness. it was such a glaring, perplexing omission. as if to praise us was somehow to demean themselves. i always wondered if they might have mustered a cursory compliment if we were men. prior to that, i'd considered both of them such lovely men, and in most ways they were and are. BUT...wtf? i've never forgotten it.
Absolutely they would have gushed over you if you were men. “To praise us was somehow to demean themselves” is something I’ve noticed in men many, many times.
A friend of mine recently commented how we are nearing 50. And doesn’t that make me sometimes feel like we’re just done, we’ve reached where-we’re-at status, so to speak? No, I told her honestly, not all. I have made a number of friendships with women in their 60s, 70s, and 80s. They’re writing fresh, relevant work. They’re starting new projects. They’re falling in love. They’re fucking up and fixing it or not. They’re adventuring. They’re, ya know, living! 😉
"I understood that male approval for a person like me was meaningless and worthless, and I didn't give a shit about it. That, too, gave me my life ... I’m bored by his stance of Male Intellectual. This man has pressed his mind almost entirely against the minds of other men I would be happy never to hear another word about for the rest of my life." Perpetually refreshing to read this.
But Dylan is dangerous if you bring up his songs and accurately nail them. In my case, I found it instructive and applied your insights to a couple of remembered lyrics that had bothered me. "[N]ow, again, the man was the focus and not the woman." Well, I didn't go into his relationship with Joan Baez. One song has positive lyrics, possibly about her -- "She's nobody's child, the law can't touch her at all." -- but the song title? "She Belongs To Me." Mebbe I should have focused on the woman in my comment, and "Not Bob for fuck's sake Dylan."
Laurie, thank you again. You make me think really hard, which is a good thing, even when it saddens me to remember what a dope I was for so long, maybe especially when I am reminded of that. It’s taken me many years to fully see how the patriarchy works and how I participated in it, because how could a woman born in 1946 NOT be drawn into participating in that? I’m still learning, of course. And I’m not just sad, I’m mad. You put the reasons why more insightfully, more beautifully than anyone. Also, more hilariously: “The blisters look the way your age registers on people who are younger than you.” Laughter is also crucial to survival and I want to be 110, too.
I hung one very word of this. I spent a career in a “man’s profession,” often being the only woman in a meeting of a dozen or two people. Being underestimated or (when my abilities became clear) sabotaged was pretty routine. In the ‘80s, when we didn’t have a name for sexual harassment, I soldiered on and pretended not to notice. I was there to do my best work, period. I’ve been reckoning with my own internalized misogyny for a while. Lately, I will bear witness, tell my wonderful husband about my experiences. Men are fish who don’t realize the water is wet.
Well I’ve just found you for the first time. Hooray for me. Delicious writing thank you. A delight to find older women like me creating wildly and finding new tribes. How magical is Substack. ❤️
I am fortunate to have recently discovered you as well! Encouraged and inspired by a haven of insight and sanity. Also happen to be re-reading Into the Vinyl Deeps-Ellen Willis music reviews. Feels like some kind of synchronicity? All the best to you 💗
All the best to you as well, and welcome. I am reading old notebook pages from 1978 and came across an entry about having coffee with Ellen and the way she lived in her body. Sharp mind you could hurt yourself if you fell against it. PS, please come to a Zoom conversation some time. xxL
Invariably, whenever I find myself back in touch with someone I’d drifted away from and can’t remember why, it doesn’t take them long to remind me. Without them even knowing it, the thought bubble pops up over my head : oh! That’s why I don’t talk to so and so anymore….
This was such a refreshing read. I resonate, like others, with “Bob for fuck’s sake Dylan” and the general frustration of women being pushed to the sidelines, intentionally or otherwise. I have a theory that part of the result of internalized sexism is competing for what are perceived to be limited resources for women and therefore we pit ourselves against our fellow women and our fellow women against each other. When I encounter an article like this and people who remind me of the common enemy, like Bob and the publisher and countless others, it renews my faith in the good fight. I agree too that Kamala Harris has less of a chance of beating Trump which makes me deeply sad. But what else is there to do but keep going?? Also - happy to support your writing and see what your live sessions are all about 🙂
Absolutely, women betray each other. They are human and creatures shaped by a patriarchal misogynistic system. It takes a brave heart and eagle’s eye to see through all the crap that clogs up your brain and fog that clouds your true vision of who you are. Laurie’s post help to see things clearly for what they are when it comes to disadvantaging women and diverting them from their own best interests to service some man.
I'm so happy I suggested you start your Substack. I've loved reading you every day that you post a column. It's kind of magical that at our age, Substack has allowed us to get back in the game. I love it.
Thanks, love, yes, it's so exciting to have this interaction with readers that I haven't had this way before. I love your work as well and what you contribute to the public conversation. I would never have done this without your help. xxL
Thanks for the microscope! I am the daughter of the father who wanted a son, the mother whose life I ruined by being born, the wife of the man who committed suicide and the second man who stole my money and my best friend, and kidnapped my daughter. I'm just now, at 85, digging to find the person who I am - and it's not too fucking late!
No, it's not too late at all. Let's live to be 110, eyes wide and frogs on lily pads. xxL
Laurie, I love that you talk about women being sidelined. It's such a shock to the system, isn't it? I'm finding that as I get older, I screen men like that out more quickly than I used to.
Yeah! Fuck them. The thing with the Dylan bit, though, women moved away from the women to Bob as much as men did. It's so unconscious.
Painful when women betray each other and I've seen it happen numerous times. As a woman, I try not to do that.
This is not an activity of betrayal. It's an activity of unconscious inobservance. It's called living in a social condition in which men are organized as central to people's interests. Although they are not.
It may be unconscious inobservance, but when women do this it feels like betrayal.
Yup.
All day long, I've been muttering "Not Bob for fuck's sake Dylan" under my breath.
For that, I thank you. Sincerely.
😎
this really resonated and stirred a memory: a few years ago, at a residency, i gave a reading with a fellow resident (also a woman) sponsored by the NEA, and you know that feeling when you've absolutely nailed it?—well, we did. afterward, a small group of us went to dinner, including two male writers. everyone praised us except them. not even one word of "good job" just for politeness. it was such a glaring, perplexing omission. as if to praise us was somehow to demean themselves. i always wondered if they might have mustered a cursory compliment if we were men. prior to that, i'd considered both of them such lovely men, and in most ways they were and are. BUT...wtf? i've never forgotten it.
This: “to praise us was somehow to demean themselves” Spot on.
Absolutely they would have gushed over you if you were men. “To praise us was somehow to demean themselves” is something I’ve noticed in men many, many times.
God, I feel for Francine Prose in that moment.
A friend of mine recently commented how we are nearing 50. And doesn’t that make me sometimes feel like we’re just done, we’ve reached where-we’re-at status, so to speak? No, I told her honestly, not all. I have made a number of friendships with women in their 60s, 70s, and 80s. They’re writing fresh, relevant work. They’re starting new projects. They’re falling in love. They’re fucking up and fixing it or not. They’re adventuring. They’re, ya know, living! 😉
Thanks for always, always writing about women.
xxL
"I understood that male approval for a person like me was meaningless and worthless, and I didn't give a shit about it. That, too, gave me my life ... I’m bored by his stance of Male Intellectual. This man has pressed his mind almost entirely against the minds of other men I would be happy never to hear another word about for the rest of my life." Perpetually refreshing to read this.
But Dylan is dangerous if you bring up his songs and accurately nail them. In my case, I found it instructive and applied your insights to a couple of remembered lyrics that had bothered me. "[N]ow, again, the man was the focus and not the woman." Well, I didn't go into his relationship with Joan Baez. One song has positive lyrics, possibly about her -- "She's nobody's child, the law can't touch her at all." -- but the song title? "She Belongs To Me." Mebbe I should have focused on the woman in my comment, and "Not Bob for fuck's sake Dylan."
"entropy is not relevant to the human heart."
This is its own crazy poem!
Laurie, thank you again. You make me think really hard, which is a good thing, even when it saddens me to remember what a dope I was for so long, maybe especially when I am reminded of that. It’s taken me many years to fully see how the patriarchy works and how I participated in it, because how could a woman born in 1946 NOT be drawn into participating in that? I’m still learning, of course. And I’m not just sad, I’m mad. You put the reasons why more insightfully, more beautifully than anyone. Also, more hilariously: “The blisters look the way your age registers on people who are younger than you.” Laughter is also crucial to survival and I want to be 110, too.
I was born in 1946 as well. xxL
The oldest and best of the Boomers!
I hung one very word of this. I spent a career in a “man’s profession,” often being the only woman in a meeting of a dozen or two people. Being underestimated or (when my abilities became clear) sabotaged was pretty routine. In the ‘80s, when we didn’t have a name for sexual harassment, I soldiered on and pretended not to notice. I was there to do my best work, period. I’ve been reckoning with my own internalized misogyny for a while. Lately, I will bear witness, tell my wonderful husband about my experiences. Men are fish who don’t realize the water is wet.
Well I’ve just found you for the first time. Hooray for me. Delicious writing thank you. A delight to find older women like me creating wildly and finding new tribes. How magical is Substack. ❤️
Thrilled to find you as well! Thanks.
I am fortunate to have recently discovered you as well! Encouraged and inspired by a haven of insight and sanity. Also happen to be re-reading Into the Vinyl Deeps-Ellen Willis music reviews. Feels like some kind of synchronicity? All the best to you 💗
All the best to you as well, and welcome. I am reading old notebook pages from 1978 and came across an entry about having coffee with Ellen and the way she lived in her body. Sharp mind you could hurt yourself if you fell against it. PS, please come to a Zoom conversation some time. xxL
Sue I just have to tell you that your hair is amazing and inspiring! Like the poet Sharon Olds.
Thank you Susan! You have made my day 💜
Invariably, whenever I find myself back in touch with someone I’d drifted away from and can’t remember why, it doesn’t take them long to remind me. Without them even knowing it, the thought bubble pops up over my head : oh! That’s why I don’t talk to so and so anymore….
I don't want things to be that way, even though they are, and so I am an idiot and practiced at it.
I read this in bed before I washed my face and made my pour over coffee. I know you cannot know what this means, but I do.
Thank you.
It’s often stunning to me how little of female experience has been spoken, even now. And the door is closing again.
So keep it up as long as you ever can.
On it, girlfriend. As long as I'm alive. xxL
You write with a razor and I love it!
Thanks!
This was such a refreshing read. I resonate, like others, with “Bob for fuck’s sake Dylan” and the general frustration of women being pushed to the sidelines, intentionally or otherwise. I have a theory that part of the result of internalized sexism is competing for what are perceived to be limited resources for women and therefore we pit ourselves against our fellow women and our fellow women against each other. When I encounter an article like this and people who remind me of the common enemy, like Bob and the publisher and countless others, it renews my faith in the good fight. I agree too that Kamala Harris has less of a chance of beating Trump which makes me deeply sad. But what else is there to do but keep going?? Also - happy to support your writing and see what your live sessions are all about 🙂
Fantastic, many thanks, the Zooms are great fun. Looking forward to meeting you there.
Absolutely, women betray each other. They are human and creatures shaped by a patriarchal misogynistic system. It takes a brave heart and eagle’s eye to see through all the crap that clogs up your brain and fog that clouds your true vision of who you are. Laurie’s post help to see things clearly for what they are when it comes to disadvantaging women and diverting them from their own best interests to service some man.